Virility at any cost

“No, no, but listen to this, she says to me if these don’t work, there are others available to us.” Chris laughed. He hadn’t stopped laughing ever since his friend Barry and he had sat down together under the shade of a very large beach umbrella, while their wives went off for their morning walk.

“She said that to you?” Chris asked.

Barry was red in the face from all the laughter and then his redness brightened when Chris asked, “what did she mean by us?” Barry shook his head, it was obvious his redness was changing from laughter to embarrassment.

“That’s just what I asked her, and she said I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”

Chris watched their two wives rounding the beachhead on their way back to their husbands. “You’re really brave,” replied Chris, “I could never go to a woman doctor and especially talk to her about erectile dysfunction.”

By this time Barry saw the two women as well and replied, “let’s talk about it later. I don’t want Edith to overhear what we're talking about.”

“Oh, doesn’t she know you take Viagra?”

“No and please don’t tell her. She still thinks that at my age I’m still virile.”

“I don’t believe she thinks that a man who’s in his 80s is still as virile as when you were in your thirties.”

“Yes, she does. So please don’t say anything.”

“Ah that was a lovely walk!” the two women had arrived and plopped themselves down in the respective empty canvas chairs, placed strategically near their husbands. “You should join us,” added Janet to her husband Chris.

“No not me,” he replied and then with an evil smile added, “I’m nowhere as virile as Barry here.”

“I understand that. What Chris is trying to say is that I still have some umph in me, unlike him who at the ripe old age of 79 has decided that life is over.”

“You should go to Barry’s doctor if that’s true Chris,” replied Edith.

The colour evaporated from the two men’s faces. “Why would I do that?” asked Chris stuttering slightly, “I love my doctor. I’ve been with him….”

“Yes darling, many decades. He’s as old as you are and if Barry’s doctor can help you get, what is it you called Barry?”

“Umph,” replied Edith.

“Ah yes if he can get you to get your umph back, then we can all benefit from it.”

“The he is a she,” corrected Edith.

“He is a she?” Janet was stunned. She was about to focus on that when Chris decided that was going too far.

“All?” asked Chris not liking where the conservation was heading. He was looking for some way to truncate it and talk about the fishing boat which was getting closer. Anything but talk about umph. Barry on the other hand was panicking slightly because his wife’s remarks made it sound as if she knew all along that he had been taking Viagra. But there was no way for him to tell unless he let the cat out of the bag. He too watched the fishing boat followed by hundreds of seagulls looking for scraps to be thrown their way, and would gladly talk about that, but it appeared that Janet at least, was very intrigued by Barry’s doctor.

“So, Barry, what is it she does for you?” asked Janet and suddenly Chris let go of the fishing boat and leaned forward to hear Barry’s reply. Edith for her part was now watching the fishing boat enter the river on its way to the harbour. Inadvertently she remarked on the seagulls and wondered if the fishermen ever threw them anything. Barry and Chris immediately pounced on that, but Janet wasn’t having any of it.

“Probably not,” Janet remarked casually and then looked at Barry. “What’s her named Barry? “Whose name?” he asked knowing full well who she was talking about.

“Your doctor silly man. Your doctor Barry, what’s her name. I’ll call her for Chris tomorrow.”

Now that was the last thing Chris wanted to hear from his wife. Barry who was dying to ask Janet if Chris was having issues but knew that would be the wrong thing to say, considering Chris was already in possession of Barry’s darkest secret and would immediately let on.

So instead, he decided it was the best time to opt out of the conservation and without answering Janet’s question he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. “Dr Draper,” replied Edith which immediately made Barry open his eyes. He didn’t realise Edith would step in for him. What happened to marital confidentiality he thought. I guess it’s out of the window like everything else today. There was only one thing for him to do and that was to agree with his wife and then let Janet know the telephone number. “I’ll email it to you later,” replied Edith. Barry was crushed. He didn’t want Chris to go to his doctor and Chris didn’t want to go to Barry’s doctor either. But they were both in a dilemma. The ever so naïve Janet was intrigued by what Dr Draper did for Barry.

“Does she give you any medication such as vitamin B to boost your energy levels?” she asked and Barry knew the conversation wasn’t going to end well. That somehow he would have to admit that his virility was because of a little blue pill.

“Something like that,” he replied and closed his eyes again hoping that when he next opened them the waves would be close enough for them to leave where they were sitting. Chris wasn’t quite sure what to do, so he did the next best thing and that was feign interest in the conversation.

“Oh, so she believes in all natural stuff does she?”

Barry finally felt he was getting close to solid ground, “yes absolutely,” he replied, “that’s all she ever prescribes for me.”

“That’s right,” chipped in Edith, “if you call Viagra natural.”

There was dead silence. You could hear a pin drop in the sand. Barry froze. Chris smiled and Janet looked at Edith. Nobody said anything.

“Really?” Janet finally said, “you get Viagra?” This directly to Barry who realised that his prayers asking the gods to swallow him up hadn’t worked.

“Yes, he does,” replied Edith for Barry.

“And do they work?” Janet asked.

“Oh, most definitely. I’ll tell you all about how,” replied Edith and Barry was just stuck. Chris was grinning. He hadn’t had anything to do with his friend’s demise. Janet turned to Chris.

“Maybe you should try some of those vitamins that Barry’s doctor prescribes. Then we can do stuff again.”

It was Barry’s turn to look at Chris, who had now turned crimson red. “Oh,” said Barry, “I didn’t think you needed anything?”

“I don’t,” replied Chris his red deepening.

“Well in all fairness to Chris,” replied Janet who finally was catching on that Viagra was not natural. “We don’t need any of that stuff do we Chris? I thought Barry was getting vitamins so he could finally go for walks with us. That’s what I want you to get. I’m really not interested in the other stuff are you, Chris?”

Chris shook his head. Barry smiled and opened his eyes to watch the fishing boat disappear around the bend in the river and Edith, who didn’t realise that telling her friend her secret was a big deal, all agreed it was time to move the umbrellas though as the tide was coming in.