Timmy’s First Girlfriend

Timmy and Melanie Krupnick go for a walk on the beach

“Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!” screamed Rosa as she flew into the kitchen where her mother and older sister were busy trying to perfect braiding a round challah. They naturally stopped and looked at an out of breath sandpiper, “Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!” she repeated again, “Timmy has a girlfriend! Timmy has a girlfriend!”

“Oh, how very nice,” Sybil looked genuinely pleased that finally her 12 years old son had taken a break from his Torah studies for his Bar Mitzvah next year. Sybil waited for her darling son to make his appearance. As she did, she wiped her wings on a towel and waited for Rosa to give her a peck on the cheek. Both Timmy and Rosa had just returned from school. Timmy finally showed up and his mother instead of waiting for him to come over to her, went over to him and hugged him.

“So, finally my son grows up and has a girlfriend. Who is she? Anyone I know? She’s Jewish right? Of course she’s Jewish!” Timmy put his books down on the kitchen island and shook his head. Sybil nearly had a heart attack.

“Don’t worry Mom, she’s Jewish.” Sybil could breathe again.

“What’s her name?” she asked walking over to where Julia was busy looking at a YouTube video on how to plait a round challah bread.

“Melanie,” replied Timmy nonchalantly.

“Melanie?” asked Sybil shaking her head, “I don’t know any Melanie. Is she new to this area?”

“No Mom,” replied a rather subdued Timmy knowing what was coming next. “She lives in Surf City.”

“Surf City!” Shouted Sybil, “I didn’t know there were any Jews in Surf City. What’s her last name?”

“Krupnick.”

Sybil’s immediate reaction was to call for her husband George out of the window, while he was fishing with her brother Jeremy. But George, who had been through similar situations a few times before shouted back even before he knew what it was about, “in a minute. You’re upsetting the fish.” Sybil turned back to Timmy who had pulled a glass of cold chocolate milk from the fridge and was about to take a drink, while Rosa stood next to her older sister with a smug look on her face.

“Before you take a sip,” began Sybil, “is Melanie Krupnick any relation to Jerrold Krupnick.?”

“That’s her father.”

Everyone was afraid Sybil was going to faint any second. “So, you’re telling me that Melanie Krupnick’s father is Jerrold Krupnick?”

“He’s a Rabbi Mom,” Timmy needed to find a way out of the mess Rosa had got him into. It wasn’t as if they were serious or anything like that. They had just held wings for a brief moment on the playground. Unfortunately for Timmy, Rosa saw that. And that was enough for her to indict him.

“He’s no Rabbi! They are Reform. They don’t have Rabbis. They have pseudo priests. Have you ever been to their so called Synagogue? They have a choir and, and,” Sybil was now flushed and ready to slam anyone who came in her way. “And they have a button to open the ark. Not like we do. Your father pulls the curtain open and there are the Torah Scrolls. In their Shul,” she spat out the last word. “He pushes a button on the wall and the curtain opens,” and with that she imitated the noise of curtains opening electronically. “Can you imagine Moses pushing a button? No way ah, ah. This is terrible!” but she was now on a roll, “not only is he Reform, but they are originally from California.”

“Mom, Mom, Mom,” pleaded Timmy, who only wanted to drink his chocolate milk and not get involved in a dragged out fight with his mother.

“Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Please remember there are no Jews in California, they only think they’re Jewish! Just remember that. And one last thing, this so called Rabbi, he also strums a guitar while he sings hymns.”

“They aren’t hymns Mummy.” Timmy glared at Rosa for starting all this, but she wisely looked out of the window.

“Oh, look Daddy is coming in with Uncle Jeremy, and they have a large fish.” Momentarily that took precedence over the Surf City Jews. That was until the men had come in and everyone had oohed and aahed over the size of the fish, and then Sybil began again.

She explained the entire problem to her husband who stood there eyeing Timothy’s chocolate milk and wondered if he could use that opportunity to get one for himself. But after many years of marriage, he knew what the outcome of that would be, so he refrained for now. George turned to his son who was now trying to figure out a way to disappear but to no avail.

“Timothy,” said his father quietly, “why don’t you go out with Rifka Goldstein, she’s a good girl.” Timothy flustered by all that was going on put his foot in it.

“Dad, I want a girlfriend. Not someone who thinks they’re my mother.”

“And what’s wrong with your mother?” asked Sybil relishing her position as matriarch of the family.

“Nothing Mom. But I already have the best Mom in the world. Why would you want competition.” Now Timothy thought in his undeveloped mind that his mother would take that as a complement, but it wasn’t to be.

George had to step in, “come, come, Sybil it’s his first girlfriend. It’s not as if he’s going to marry her.”

“He better not, if he wants his mother to come to the wedding,” she began again, “can you imagine a wedding in that California Reform church? Max would be at home there. They don’t even say the prayers in Hebrew.”

George needed to jump in again. He contemplated using the nuclear option available to him, but refrained. Jeremy for his part stood next to his nephew with his wing around his shoulder as protection. But the nuclear option became necessary when George saw his son being beaten down. “Sybil, you remember your first boyfriend, don’t you?”

Sybil immediately stopped in her tracks and hung her head low. “Yes,” she said in a completely changed tone of voice.

“What was his name?” asked her husband.

“Justin.”

“Yes, that’s right. Justin Rubin. We used to call him Justin time in school because he was always racing here and racing there. He was constantly running late. And didn’t your parents tell you not to marry him?”

“Yes,” she replied proudly, “and I listened to them.”

“But they also didn’t like me either, did they?”

“Well, they didn’t know you well enough.”

“And,” continued George calmly. “Aren’t you glad you took their advice and didn’t marry him?”

“Very much so,” she replied ever so calmly lifting her head and looking at the little crowd around her.

“And where is Justin now?”

“He’s in Congress,” Sybil replied, “a Congressman.”

“That’s right Sybil dear, a Congressman.”

“Yes,” continued Sybil sounding beaten down and now regretted having started her tirade, “and a Democrat at that.”

There was a gasp around the room. “Mummy,” said Rosa, feeling it was her turn to be relevant again. “You were dating someone who is a Congressman?” Sybil nodded her head, “and and, and,” continued Rosa not thinking of the ramifications of what she was about to say. “And you could’ve married a Congressman and I could be living in Washington, the daughter of a Congressman,” and then she stopped when it dawned on her finally that things weren’t going to end well for her. “Oops!” she ended her sentence with and flew out of the window.