I pulled into what looked like the last parking spot in the grocery store car park without having to walk half a mile or so. I pulled out the grocery list from my pocket to glance at it before putting it back. It was a mental test I had developed for myself over past few the years and at which I must admit, I fail miserably.

As I was taking the keys out of the car in preparation of getting out and fighting the hordes in the food aisles, there was a series of sharp knocks on my window. I looked up to see a pint-sized man with sunglasses wrapped around his entire head staring at me. I lowered my window and before I could ask him why he was interrupting my preparation, he blurted out, “you’re parked illegally!”

I looked at him quizzically.  It was obvious he was an annoying version of a grown-up man, just another reject from the Wizard of Oz. I was about to challenge his assertion when he repeated the words, but this time in slightly higher pitch. “You’re parked illegally!”

I finally challenged his assertion and asked if he was a police officer.

“No,” he replied. His voice getting even higher, “I’m the Cart Commander.”

“Cart Commander?” I asked with as straight a face as I could manage.

“Yes, and part of my job is to look after the parking lot.”

“I see,” I replied, “all hail to the chief!” I continued with my preparations to get out of my car. “You’re parked illegally!” he shouted this time, just in case I hadn’t heard the first two times. “Why do you say that? It’s not a handicapped spot.”

“This spot is reserved for families with little children,” he expanded.

“That’s fine,” I replied still trying to get out of my car, but the munchkin was preventing me from raising my window. “I have a family with little children,” I added. He looked at me with an even more evil scowl and then dramatically looked in my back seat.

He then shouted at me. “You’re the only one in the car. You don’t have a family with little children!”
“Yes I do,” I replied beginning to enjoy this intellectual back and forth.

“No, you don’t. There’s no one in your car other than you, and this spot is only for people with small children.”

I rolled my eyes. “But I have a family with little children. I just left them at home.” His jaw dropped. I continued, “you know how difficult it is to shop with little children. They want to go home with all the candy and not pay for it, so my wife has them at home.”

“Then you can’t park here,” he repeated for the umpteenth time.

“It doesn’t say that,” I replied, “it just says ‘reserved for a families with young children.’ It doesn’t say I have to bring them with me, does it?” He shut his mouth. He was stumped. I had the answer waiting if he brought up the business about a handicapped spot, but he thought better of it. “Excuse me,” I said after a couple of long seconds of silence and the Cart Commander, completely lost for words, stood back while I raised my window, got out and walked into the store. When I looked around, he was still standing where I had left him.

I went into the foyer of the grocery store and after I picked out a cart which had four round wheels, instead three round and one deformed, I entered the store.

Now to remember what I had on my list, I thought to myself. I was tempted to use my interaction with the Cart Commander as a reason to sneak a peek at my list, but refrained from doing so. I knew oranges were on my list. So, I went over to a bin of oranges and dug through them to see if I could find four that didn’t have mould on them. It was a challenge. I got three into a bag but as I dug deeper into the bin I heard a woman’s voice behind me. “Excuse me,” the woman said.

Thinking the person wanted to get to the bin at the same time. I replied without looking up, “I’ll be done in a second.”

“Excuse me, sir,” the woman said again and this time having found the fourth seemingly mould free orange, I turned and waved her towards the bin. But my eyes came to rest on the Cart Commander and an equally intelligent looking woman. “Excuse me sir,” she repeated with her hands on her hips. This is going to be fun I thought, as I twisted the top of the plastic bag and knotted it.

“How can I help you?”
“You have to move your car,” she said sounding really official.

“That’s what the Chief of Police here told me, but he couldn’t give me a good reason why.” “Yes, he did,” the woman insisted, “the parking spot is only for cars with little children.”

“That’s not what the sign says,” I told her. “I told the Cart Commander here that it says families with little children. It says nothing about bringing them with me.” I changed my tactic seeing she wasn’t buying my logic. “Look, next time I come here,” and then whispered rather loudly, “if there’s another time, because you’re so rude. I will park somewhere else I promise. I will be out of here in about 15 minutes.”

To her credit, the woman accepted my pledge and nodded her head. She turned to leave and then turned back to face me. “You promise?” she asked.

“Yes, I promise,” I replied and was going to add, ‘and cross my heart,’ but realising I was Jewish, thought I might be struck by a pineapple which were close at hand, so I refrained. That did it, but only just.

The woman turned and left followed by the Cart Commander who wasn’t at all pleased at the resolution.

As I made my way around the store, checking my watch every so often to make sure I was checking out after 14 minutes I could hear the Cart Commander whining to anyone who would listen to him that his life was ending as his authority had been usurped. Judging by the expressions on those who stopped to listen to his woes, he wasn’t very popular there. As I walked out of the store, I tapped on counter as I passed customer service to let the woman know I had adhered to my pledge. She waved with a smile that frightened me for a second because it didn’t look sincere. Then when I neared the front door, I shouted across the store to the Wizard of Oz reject. “Bye Cart Commander! Bye, bye, see you maybe next week. I’ll park in the Employee of the Month spot, because I’m sure it won’t be yours!” And with that and a few ripples of laughter, I walked outside into the glorious sunshine wheeling my cart up to my car. It was then I looked again at my list and realised I had forgotten an important item. There was no way I could go home without it. I debated about going back in but realised I might be flaunting with danger. So, I got into my car and drove to another store a few miles away just for that one item.

Maybe the Cart Commander won that round anyway.