The Barbershop from hell

Jeremy pushed open the door, the bell sounded. Two men sitting against the back wall both reading the same kind of magazines looked up, looked at each other and went back to their pastime. Jeremy felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure what to do next, so he remained standing there.

A couple of excruciating and painful minutes later, the slightly older one of the two men looked up but didn’t say word. Jeremy did. “I need a haircut please.” The two men looked at each shrugged their shoulders and went back to their magazines. Must be new editions, thought Jeremy, obviously more important than business. He remained standing waiting for one of them to reply.

Finally, the slightly younger of the two said, “did you read the sign on the glass?”

“I did, yes,” replied Jeremy believing he had left the real world behind and was now traversing an alternate reality.

“Well,” said the man, “do you have an appointment? You have to have an appointment to get your hair cut.”

“Why’s that?” asked Jeremy amazed at the reason given, considering the store was empty of customers. “I don’t see anyone in here right now. Maybe a quick buzz and I’ll be gone.”

“No sorry, can’t do,” replied the slightly older barber.

“You actually came about an hour too late,” added the slightly younger barber.

“Why do you say that?” asked Jeremy about to leave and go to the nearest bar which actually across the road and drink himself silly.
“We had a cancellation,” replied one of them.

“Ok great! I’ll take the guy’s time slot when was it for?”
“Gone,” replied the slightly older barber.

“What do you mean gone?” asked Jeremy getting close to tears.

“Well, had you come here an hour ago, we could fit you in, but not anymore that time slot has passed.”

Jeremy was visiting on business. He had never been to that town before and in all probability, it would be the last time he would. When he left home the day before he realised he needed a quick trim and thought it wouldn’t be a problem. But apparently, it was a huge problem. He took in a deep breath and held it for a second wondering what his next move was. His meeting wasn’t until the afternoon of the next day, so maybe he could make an appointment for the morning. “Ok,” he began, “do you happen to have any time tomorrow?”

The two barbers looked at each other. “Nah,” replied the slightly older barber, “we don’t have any openings.” He couldn’t believe this, but he wasn’t about to give up.

“Ok,” Jeremy asked as calmly as possible, “when is your next opening?”

The two looked at each other again. “Maybe next month,” replied the slightly younger barber. “Next month!” blurted out Jeremy, stunned by that answer. “I won’t be here. I’ll be back home.”

“Well,” replied one of the barbers, “that solves the issue don’t it? You can get a haircut when you get home.” Jeremy’s inquisitive mind began to turn over.

“Do you guys make a good living here?” he asked.

“Not really,” replied the slightly younger man.

“Maybe if you took down your sign you’d get more business.”

“Nah,” he replied, “been like that for years.”

“And you never mess with what works,” piped in the other man before excusing himself and going to the bathroom.

“Do you sell clippers?” asked Jeremy because if they did, then he could try doing it himself.

“All sold out,” the man replied. Jeremy was about to scream because there in a case for everyone to see, was a long line of haircutting equipment. It was obvious they hadn’t sold any because there was dust settling on them.

“What about them?” asked Jeremy pointing at the instruments and then immediately regretted having asked.

“Nah couldn’t sell you those, they are already sold.”
“All of them?” asked Jeremy.

“Yea all of them. The buyers have to come and pick them up.” The other man returned.

“You still here?” he asked.

Jeremy in order to retain his sanity replied, “physically yes, but mentally definitely not.” And with that he turned to leave. Just as he put his hand on the doorknob the door was pushed open and a young man appeared in the doorway.

“I need a haircut,” he asked.

“Do you have appointment?” asked the slightly older and now to Jeremy more stupid of the two barbers.

“I called a few minutes ago and made an appointment.”

“Oh c’mon in then!” The man sat down in the chair and the younger barber took care of him. Yes, there were many things Jeremy could say but he had an important business meeting the next day and didn’t want to get himself unnecessarily wound up. He left and walked across the street to the bar. He walked in. There weren’t many people in there so he had no difficulty finding a seat at the bar.

A young man with longish blonde hair and scraggly beard came over. He actually had a very nice smile. Jeremy ordered a gin and tonic and when it arrived he took a big sip. “Tell me something,” he said to the barman. “I just came from across the road to try and get a quick haircut, but they told me I have to have a appointment but there was no one in there.”

The barman laughed, “they are characters aren’t they? You’re obviously not from around here.” Jeremy shook his head. “What you have to do is go in and when they ask if you have an appointment, you have to say yes and they’ll cut your hair.”

“That it?” asked Jeremy astonished that someone would have to go through that rigmarole just for a haircut.

“Yes, it’s their little game. They’ve had the barbershop forever, so we allow them to do whatever it is they want.”

Jeremy came up with a plan of action. He drank his gin and tonic, ordered another and once he paid, he gave the barman a large tip for which he was very appreciative. He walked back to the barbershop and opened the door. The bell rang, both men looked up at him and then back at their porno magazines.

“I need a haircut,” said Jeremy.

“Didn’t you read the sign on the window?” said the uglier of the two barbers who also happened to be slightly older and dumber.

“Yea I did,” replied a confident Jeremy, “I have an appointment.”

“No, you don’t,” replied the other man, “you was here not too long ago and we asked if you had an appointment and you said you didn’t. John did you take his reservation?”

“No Charles, did you?”

“Sorry, that’s an old trick,” replied the uglier and more stupid barber, “don’t try and get one over on us. People have tried that for years.”

“Yea,” added the other, “they come in here and say they have an appointment, when they don’t.”

Jeremy didn’t hear the last part of the man’s explanation. A few seconds later he was back at the bar ordering an extra-large gin and tonic trying hard to explain to the barman what had transpired, but finally gave up.