Thank you for not wearing your nose ring at the dinner table

Richard was horrified. His wife of 35 years Amy was horrified. Even their trusted Black Labrador, Smoky, who normally was content laying by the front door looking at the birds digging for worms was horrified.

“Hi Mom and Dad, this is Evelyn.”

Richard and Amy at that moment in history were sitting on the couch together discussing the ramifications of the latest discoveries from the James Webb space telescope and what they meant as they pertain to their least favourite astrophysicist, Stephen Hawking. They both looked up when their son, Alan, a 20 year old college student studying gender studies, much against their wishes, came into the living room and introduced his latest girlfriend. All three, husband, wife and dog nearly shouted epithets at Evelyn who stood there in front of them wearing clothes she must’ve found in some thrift shop, but worst of all she was wearing a large nose ring.

Before Richard had a chance to shut his mouth, he heard the words, “didn’t that hurt when they put it in?” escape and smack his son’s latest girlfriend on the face as hard as if it were a rock. Amy wasn’t sure how to respond but gave Richard a second opportunity, which he gladly took. “The nose ring Evelyn,” he emphasized for good measure, “the nose ring.”

Amy needed to back up her husband and did so brilliantly after years and years of practice. “Yes, that thing,” she added diplomatically, “does a leash come with it?”

Well Alan wasn’t sure what to do next. He had convinced himself that his parents, who had never given any indication they would welcome any girlfriend of his who didn’t come from a good home, would welcome his new girlfriend. He stood there waiting to catch Evelyn should she decided to faint. But instead Evelyn, who had been used to people of his parent’s generation mocking her style of dressing, simply answered, “no!” And there the conversation ended.

“Hello Evelyn,” said Amy finally, not getting up from the couch.

“Hello Evelyn,” added Richard also not getting up from the couch, while the trusty Black Lab, who normally would be laying in front of the front door watching birds digging in the garden for worms never acknowledged either visitor. It was quite possible that Smoky, who was named by a previous owner who smoked a lot and thus the dog constantly smelled of tobacco, hadn’t recognised the former occupant of the house because since he had left his appearance had been severely degraded.

The silence was awkward and Alan to his credit decided the time had come for him to change the subject which hung in the air like the Sword of Damocles, waiting to be plunged into his girlfriend. “Have you guys eaten dinner yet?” he asked in as close to normal pitch as was possible for him at that point in life.

“No!” both Amy and Richard replied. “We knew you were coming home this evening, so we decided to wait for you,” and Amy finished the sentence with the words, which Alan mistakenly took to mean they had forgiven his girlfriend for wearing something that cows and pigs usually wear, “and your girlfriend.”

Alan smiled while Richard, who was never much of a diplomat sat in shock. He didn’t need to be a diplomat in his line of work. Richard was a long-distance truck driver who spent most of his time on the road shouting at other drivers from the confines of his cab as he barreled down the road at 70 miles an hour regardless of the speed limit, scowled at Evelyn. However, this time he decided to be a little more tactful. “As long as she,” and he spent a lot of the time on the word ‘she’ before moving onto the next few words, “takes out her nose ring at the dinner table!” Richard felt he was being as diplomatic as he could be, in the light of his son once again introducing them to another in a long line of questionable women.

Alan wisely decided it wasn’t the right time to introduce his parents to the latest term he had learnt in class, which was non binary. That would’ve blown up in his face. He needed to ease both his parents into the latest fads in society today. So far it hadn’t gone very well. Alan smiled. Neither of them had been asked to sit down and he knew the longer they stood, the less the chance was that they would be invited to sit down. Alan took Evelyn by the hand and led her over to a sofa which was strategically placed across from the one his parents sat on.

Alan began to divert the conversation away from their appearance to “what’s for dinner, Mum?”

“Goat Curry,” replied Richard unable to change the direction of the conservation. Evelyn looked decidedly disturbed by his utterance.

“Goat curry?” repeated Alan never knowing his parents to eat anything other than beef and potatoes with the occasional piece of broccoli thrown in for good measure.

“Yes, goat curry,” repeated Richard, “I have someone I work with who’s Indian and he introduced both your mother and I to goat curry. Really, really, hot goat curry a few months ago and ever since then, that’s what I get whenever I stop off at the local Indian restaurant on my way home.”

Alan wasn’t sure if his parents were having him on, and Evelyn for her part was horrified that his parents ate meat instead of extra firm tofu. She gulped at the thought of sitting down at the table and being offered goat curry.

“Have you ever eaten goat curry?” asked Richard of Evelyn.

“No,” she croaked unable to decipher Alan’s parents. “No, I don’t eat any kind of meat,” she added.

“That’s a pity,” replied Richard quickly before his wife interrupted him, “you might like it. I did however have to tell the store owner to take the ring out of the goat’s nose before he sold it to me. Apparently in India it’s a prized piece of meat. A goat’s nose with a ring through it.” He stopped briefly to gauge the effect his words were having on both children, but not quite sure if he had the decided effect added, “pretty much like the nose ring you’re wearing Evelyn. Have your parents seen it?”

At that precise moment in history, Alan got up from the sofa grabbed Evelyn’s hand and pulled her up. “Mom, Dad,” he began, “you’re being very rude to my possible future bride….”

“Or groom,” interrupted Richard, and with that both children turned and left the room. “Where were we in our discussion darling?” Richard asked Amy.

“About the Alan Webb telescope?” replied Amy.

“Yes, exactly and thank God they left. I wasn’t sure if she was going to remove her nose ring before she sat down at the dinner table.”

“Darling,” added Amy, “as usual you were your brilliant diplomatic self.”

Richard gave Amy a kiss on the cheek. “Are you ready for your meat and potatoes?” she asked.

“Starving,” replied Richard pulling his wife up and giving her a big hug.