Next Stop Africa

“Next stop Africa!” Howard enjoyed proclaiming that in a most dramatic fashion, by throwing his arms wide open while facing the ocean. He especially enjoyed doing that when a friend of his visited him at his home on the Eastern coast of the US.

Not many came by though. Throughout his corporate career as a tax accountant, Howard made many enemies, especially those who looked to him to work a miracle. But Howard who was as straight laced as one could get, would reply, “I work within the law. I do not invent or rewrite the law. There are times when I will push the envelope, but I will never tear the envelope.”

Over the years Howard had developed a loyal following though. In fact, when he signed his name to a tax return, the IRS invariable breezed over the return knowing that the chances of him making a mistake were slim to none. But what Howard realised over the years was that some people expected him to do their bidding and he refused. He slept well at night.

Now that Howard had retired and lived in a beautiful 4 bedroom home right on the beach on a barrier island off the coast of North Carolina, he would wake up in the morning, pull back the curtains in his bedroom and shout out to the world, “next stop Africa!”

“Not quite,” replied a friend, Riley, who worked with him many years ago and came by to visit him one weekend.

“What do mean by not quite?” asked Howard a little offended by the man challenging his world view.

“Well,” replied Riley, “I believe there are some islands in between here and the West coast of Africa, such as the West Indies.”

“Can’t see them,” Howard replied curtly and expected Riley to back off.

Riley who was an auditor at the same firm as Howard replied, as he sat under the large umbrella provided by Howard in a folding canvas chair also provided by Howard, “You see,” he began and hesitated as he watched an errant seagull deposit its leftover breakfast not far from the Howard’s feet, “you and I see things very differently. You were a tax accountant and so being creative was your middle name, while I was an auditor and facts were my middle name.”

How stupid, thought Howard, but he wasn’t about to let someone who he felt was his friend spoil his day. Riley continued believing he had Howard on the proverbial ropes. “You see it’s like the teacher who asked her class of 7 year olds which was further, the moon or Africa. The children were stumped except for one little boy who believed he has the answer. Yes, Justin, she asked what’s the answer? Africa, he replied proudly.” Howard looked at his friend as if he had too much to drink or maybe had swallowed too much mouthwash. “Why do you say Africa? she asked little Justin. Well, he replied I can see the moon, but I can’t see Africa.” Under normal circumstances, Howard would’ve laughed out loud at the logic but in this case, he felt that Riley was trying to belittle his statement.

“No Riley,” replied Howard after a few seconds of contemplation, during which time Riley thought he had his old friend beaten by his superior logic. “I may have been a tax accountant and you an auditor and so we see things differently, but you have always been a glass half empty guy.”

“What does that mean?” asked Riley who felt under attack and rightly so.

“Well, let me explain. To you, 1 plus 1 cannot be anything but 2, while as a tax accountant I will only accept that 1 plus 1 is 2 after exhaustive research in which I try to make 1 plus 1, 3.”

“What a waste of time!” Riley replied. “Just accept that 1 plus 1 is 2 and be done with it.”

“If I did that, then people would go to you to get their taxes done. They paid me to see if I could bend certain rules as long as they were bent and not broken and within the law.” That logic escaped Riley. Howard tried another angle. “To you a glass is half empty, while to me its half full. Tax accountants are positive people, while auditors are boring negative people.”

“I don’t think that’s fair.”

“Well,” replied Howard sensing he was about to win this argument. “Why not accept that Africa is the next stop?”

“Because there are islands between here and Africa,” Riley replied exasperated.

“Can you see them?”

“The islands?” asked Riley.

“Yes, the islands. Can you see the islands?”

“No of course not. They are beyond the curvature of the earth.”

“As is Africa,” explained Howard.

The discussion was beginning to give Riley a headache and he threw his hands up and said,” you win.”

Howard, not one to rub salt into a wound looked at his watch. It was 10.30 and the sand had already heated up to the point where any walking on it would be painful, “are you ready for a beer?” he asked Riley.

“Sure, as long as you’re the one getting it.”

“Can I borrow your sandals?” asked Howard realising he had left his on the deck.

“What size shoe do you wear?”

“The same size as you,” replied Howard confused by the question.

“Ok in that case you may.”

Howard got up slipped on his sandals and found they were too small. “I thought you said you were the same size, but these are too small.”

“Oh dear,” replied Riley, “I thought you said we were the same size!”

Howard sat down in his chair and began to laugh uncontrollably. “Aren’t we a bunch of babies?” he said and Riley who by now was smiling widely but trying to prevent himself from joining in the laughter, nodded his head.

“And it's always been like that Howard, even when we worked together. Neither of us would relinquish to the other. Nobody could understand us, could they?”

Howard was still laughing his head off. Riley finally gave in and joined in the laughter. “I’ll get the beer,” he said slipping on his sandals and beginning his walk towards the house. Howard sat back in his chair and leaned his head back. There was something about Riley and his logic he couldn’t quite understand. It was as if Riley never wanted to see the other side of an argument or agree with his friend. ‘I guess all auditors are that way,’ he thought. ‘Thank God I wasn’t one of them. They can never see the bright side of life. Everything is drab and cut and dry.’

Riley returned a few minutes later with two beers and handed one to Howard. “What’s this?” he remarked looking at the bottle strangely. “This non alcoholic beer.”

“Just use your imagination, Howard,” replied Riley, “if you think it has alcohol in it, then it does. If you don’t then it doesn’t.”

“You know something Riley, I never liked you when I worked with you and I like you even less now.”

“Thank you for finally admitting what I’ve always thought,” replied Riley with a smile and twinkle in his eye. “Cheers!”