“The world’s worst invention!”

“What is?”

“Leaf blowers.”

“Leaf blowers?”

“Yes, leaf blowers are the world’s worst invention. If someone instead had the turned the blowing into vacuuming, it would’ve been a fabulous invention.”

“I don’t get it. Why are leaf blowers the world’s worst invention? I think they’re great for clearing sidewalks and driveways.”

“But that wasn’t their intention, was it? They were originally meant to blow leaves into a pile so you could collect them. That’s why they’re called leaf blowers, not grass clipping blowers.”

Stewart could tell from his friend Eli’s behaviour, that some life changing event must’ve happened. He had come over to Stewart’s home for their weekly get together which they had enjoyed doing for years. Depending upon the time of day he came over, it was either coffee in the morning or single malt Scotch whiskey in the evening. Stewart could tell by his friend’s behaviour he was very agitated. It was still early in the day, which meant mugs of a new coffee on the deck, especially if it were a nice day. On this particular day, the sun was out in all its glory and the humidity was low, so they sat outside on Stewart’s deck.

“There have been more wars started over leaf blowers than anything else,” insisted Eli.

“I thought that was religion.”

“Well,” replied Eli, “in that case it’s a close second.”

“Now why don’t you take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on.” Eli put his mug of coffee down on the table next to him, closed his eyes for a second to collect his thoughts before he began.

“You know my neighbour, Percy Wandsworth?”

“The arrogant twit?” asked Stewart.

“The same.”

“Well, what about him?”

“I’ll tell you what happened. When he finished cutting his lawn and this isn’t the first time he’s done this, but it’s the first time I’ve said anything to him. After he finishes cutting his lawn, riding around on the postage stamped sized lawn on his on a very expensive rider mower…”

“He cuts his own lawn?” interrupted Stewart, “Wow! I would’ve thought he hired a bunch of people to do that. I thought he was averse to manual labour.”

Eli rolled his eyes at his friend for interrupting him. Stewart apologised and Eli continued, “well once he has raced around his little lawn, he goes into his garage takes out his leaf blower and blows the grass cuttings, which are all over his driveway into the street.”

“Where else would be blow them?” Stewart again interrupted his friend, so far failing to understand why he was so irate.

“Let me finish and you’ll see what I’m upset about. So, he blows the grass clipping into the street, a car comes by and blows them onto my driveway. Now I have to get my blower out and blow them where they originally came from and that is Percy’s yard. He comes out shouting at me and then walks on to my lawn and I tell him to go back to his side. He does and we start shouting across the imaginary boundary at each other. I at first tried to explain to him how the issue began, but you know what? He denied doing that. I told him there’s no way he can deny that because I watched him. He’s so arrogant. I nearly went inside the house and got my ancient blunderbuss and blew his head off.”

“And then,” interrupted Stewart again but this time he felt he needed to get his friend to see some reason, “you wouldn’t be here and you would be in jail.”

“That’s the only thing that’s stopped me. And then on top of that,” it was obvious that Eli wasn’t willing to let it go and engage his friend on real world topics like the war in Ukraine, “when I turn around and go back inside, he gets his blower out and blows the grass clippings on to my lawn! Rita had to block the door otherwise I would’ve, well I’m not sure what I would’ve done,” but he paused for a second to catch his breath before he continued, “that’s why they are the worst invention known to man.”

“Well they aren’t used properly that’s for sure. I don’t think they were intended to blow grass clippings into other people’s driveways. By the way, isn’t the coffee good?”

Eli looked at his friend as if he had two heads. “The coffee,” repeated Stewart, “isn’t it good?” Eli realised he hadn’t noticed and picked up his mug to try it again.

“Yes it is. Where did you get it from?”

“It’s a veteran owned company, something like….” and then Stewart stopped for a second realising what he was about to say next.

“What’s the name?” asked Eli, “I’d like to get some.”

Stewart’s mind wasn’t working as well as it usually did. Eli asked again. This time Stewart knew he had no alternative but to name the company, “I think it’s called Rifleman.”

“Maybe I should talk to them,” Eli began to rant again. “Maybe I can get a can of their coffee or maybe a few pounds and pour it on my lawn and then blow it all over his driveway.”

“Why would you do that to perfectly good coffee?”

“I don’t know,” replied Eli sounding exasperated. “I think it was the name Rifleman got me going again. But yes, it’s excellent coffee. I have to get some. Rita will enjoy it. What do you think I can do about the moron.”

“Treat him like a moron. When you mow your lawn which is much larger than his, blow the grass clippings into his yard.”

“I don’t mow my lawn,” admitted Eli.

“Who does, the kids?”

“No, I have a professional company do it. That’s why it always looks so good.”

“Ok then ask them to blow the clippings onto his driveway.”

“I think that’s a great idea! In this way I can say to him hey guy don’t blame me it was my company, fight them. You know coming to think of it they are veteran owned too. Maybe the guys have guns on board their trucks, they’ll take care of Percy in one shot. Literally.”

“There you go. I’m sure Percy would never have the guts to attack them. And if he does it will be the last time he did. But be careful when they shoot him make sure they blow his blood and guts back onto his lawn!”

They both laughed, “now wouldn’t that be funny. When the cops come by to find out what happened, I can tell them that he blew himself up on my side of the property and I had my leaf blower guys blow his blood and guts onto his lawn.”

“There you go. Problem solved.”

“Yes, you’re right. But I’m right too.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, another war started over a leaf blower. See what I mean about being the world’s worst invention.”

“I think you’re right. Want to celebrate with something stronger than coffee?”

“We can, but why don’t we put some Kailua into the coffee.”

“Don’t have any,” replied Stewart.

“Oh, what a shame. I guess Rifleman coffee will have to do for now!”