Jeremy Went a Courting

The closest Elizabeth would allow Jeremy to get to her.

Hello God, it’s me Rosa you’re favourite little girl. I want to thank you for another beautiful day. Do they have beautiful days on all the other planets you look after? Thank you for giving me my family and of course my wonderful daddy, but I have to also say my wonderful mummy because she told me I needed to. Thank you also for my bother Timmy and my sister Julia and especially Julia because otherwise my mummy would have to cook and then we would all die. I’d better go to sleep now because my mummy is looking at me. Ok God. Bye for now, I love you and oh yes, Amen.

Jeremy Steiger waited for the full moon. He was excited. He came home from work at the local birdseed mill in Surf City, where he is a foreman after stopping at Trader Joe’s.

He sat down in the one and only lounge chair in his sitting room and did what he did every evening. He kicked off his boots, sank deep into the plush cushions, laid his head back, closed his eyes and let out a loud sigh of relief. It was Sunday. The last day of the work week for him. He would have the next two days off. But that night was going to be a very special night. It was the night he would walk over to Elizabeth’s nest and ask her to join him on a date.

“Your cousin Elizabeth?” asked his secretary, Louise, who knew her only too well. “Are you sure you want to put yourself though that? She’s just not a very nice person.”

Jeremy for a moment reconsidered his plan, but then brushed away Louise’s caution.

After sitting on the chair for a few minutes, he got up very determinedly and went into the bathroom to get himself ready. He spent an inordinate amount of time there before he reappeared declaring himself fit. He picked up the bottle of Trader Joe’s Prosecco, which he purchased on his way home, together with a couple of plastics cups he found under the sink, he made a note to himself though that he needed to purchase some real wine glasses and decided to do that the following week.

He opened the front door to his nest and was about to walk outside into the warm moonlit night, when he went back indoors to take one last look at himself in the hallway mirror. He panicked slightly. There was an unruly feather on his head, so he put down the bottle of Prosecco and glasses, licked his wing and brushed his feather, which stayed down. He smiled. Yes, things were going to work out for he and Elizabeth, and he was excited. He closed the front door behind him and began to whistle as he walked hurriedly across a sand dune after which he stopped as Elizabeth’s nest came into view.

He stopped whistling, took a deep breath and then said rather loudly, “Showtime!” Then with a tune in his head and a lively step he reached Elizabeth’s door. He put down the Prosecco and glasses, licked his wing one last time and applied the saliva to his head, smiled and knocked on her door.

He stood there and suddenly realised he was beginning to panic. He wasn’t sure what Elizabeth would say, or for that matter, what he would say. Yes, surprise. That’s what he would shout ‘surprise’ but before he knew it, the door opened and there stood Elizabeth wearing a very revealing dress.

The word surprise died in Jeremy’s throat. “Jeremy,” uttered Elizabeth, completely shocked at seeing him.

Jeremy forced a grin. “Surprise,” he said his voice cracking slightly.

“What are you doing here?” she asked sounding a little nervous.

“Would you like to join me out on the beach for a glass of Prosecco and stare at the moon?” He said nervously knowing that was not what he actually wanted to say. Elizabeth said nothing. Then finally Jeremy’s world came crashing down around him.

“I have company,” she stuttered.

At that moment, Jeremy saw another Sandpiper, a bigger, stronger, more masculine Sandpiper appear behind her. “Well, well, well,” said the Sandpiper, “if it’s not Jeremy Steiger! How have you been little fellow?”

Jeremy puffed himself up as much as possible, “hello Kris Rock,” he said meekly, “what brings you here?”

Kris pointed to Elizabeth, “she’s what brought me here. How about you?” He then noticed the bottle of Prosecco on the ground. He began to laugh. “Can’t you afford the real thing? You have to buy it from Trader Joe’s.”

To say Jeremy felt deflated, would be an understatement. He bent down feeling defeated and picked up the bottle and glasses. He turned to leave. “You should’ve said something, Jeremy. You should’ve said something before.”

Jeremy began to walk away. He heard the door close behind him. He didn’t look back. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do. He knew he didn’t want to go home and sit there and wallow in self-pity, because he would end up drinking the whole bottle of Prosecco and that wouldn’t end well for him, it never did.

Instead, he walked slowly towards a nearby sand dune, sat down and looked out over the waves breaking not too far from him. ‘What a beautifully romantic evening,’ he thought to himself. He looked at the bottle of Prosecco and then up at the moon, then down at the bottle again. He closed his eyes and let a few tears slip down his cheeks. He sat up again and was about to get up and head over to his cousin Sybil’s home, where he was sure he would be welcomed, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

He turned and saw Julia standing behind him. “What are you doing out here, uncle?” she asked.

“Oh, not much,” he replied, “just looking at the full moon.”

“With a bottle of Prosecco,” she asked, “and two wine glasses? What happened uncle?” And she let out a quick laugh. “Don’t tell me you went to Elizabeth’s nest! Did you do that?” Jeremy nodded sadly. “Oh, is that what Kris Rock was doing here!” she added and then hesitated a moment. “Who are you going to share that bottle with?”

He shrugged his shoulders. Julia looked around for a moment and then sat down next to her uncle, “I’ll tell you what. Why don’t we share that bottle?”

Jeremy looked at her with surprise. “You’re not old enough,” he said but with a grin on his face.

“I would be if I were in England,” Julia replied slipping her wing into his. “We could pretend we were in England, couldn’t we?”

Jeremy suddenly felt important. Here was his 16 year old niece, trying to make him feel better. “I’ll tell you what,” he replied sounding more upbeat. “Is your mother at home?”

“Yes, she is. She’s reading Rosa a bedtime story right now.”

“Ok!” Jeremy jumped up, “let’s go to your home and if your parents say its ok, you can have a small glass and then you and I can come outside again and watch the moon.”

“You’re on, uncle!” replied Julia really pleased she was able to help get her uncle out of his depressed mood. “But there’s just one thing. You know Rosa will want some wine as well.”